Someone at my church asked me to read this book and give them some feedback about what I thought it’s strengths and weaknesses are. I don’t always have time to read the books people give me, but this one struck a chord as a topic I would like to learn more about. It proposes to help you understand the biblical definition of a fool, along with their patterns of thinking and behavior. Having established this “profile” of typical fools, the subtitle promises to provide “an honorable way to deal with the impossible people in your life.”

I have dealt with “fools” before, and helped many others deal with the “fools” in their life as well. I do think there is a lot of great information that is catalogued from the Proverbs that can be helpful in determining what God’s “book of wisdom” would say about how we can and should help, love, serve and respond to others in a way that honors God.

While this book has a lot of helpful information about what the Bible says about “fools,” overall it lacks the biblically sound punch of helping Christians understand exactly what God’s Word says about how to respond to them and why. The motivations given for changing how one typically responds to these difficult people are often self-centered or more defined by psychological terms than biblical ones. As well, the responses themselves are either very loosely based on Scripture, or in a couple of cases are just patently unbiblical. I could not heartily recommend it, despite the fact that it contains some helpful summaries and definitions. Here are my specific and more detailed thoughts.

I’ll start with what I thought were a couple of strengths in the book.

1. The author helps readers identify when they should begin thinking and responding differently to “fools” in their life.

Many Christians are stuck in a discouraging and potentially futile cycle of trying to help and love people who do not truly want to grow and change into the person God has called them to be. They do struggle with a internal conflict of wanting to help, trying to minister lovingly, and then somehow feeling guilty when their efforts fail. I think the author does a good job of indentifying what that looks and feels like, and encouraging the reader to consider the fact that God’s Word does give instruction about how to respond to people like this. There may be an unbalanced emphasis on the behavior and actions of “the fool” in your life, and not enough discussion of how our own sinful responses can further complicate these relationships, but overall I think it is a helpful challenge.

2. The author defines various “degrees” of fools, and then catalogues from Scripture the patterns of thinking and behavior that describes a “fool”

I believe the author is right to show in chapter two that there are various degrees of fools–”degrees” here relating to the kinds and regularity of foolish thinking and behavior. Some are just foolish by incident, and are referred to in Scripture as the “simple” or “naive.” Others, she shows from Proverbs, are foolish by character. This is the kind of fool that she proposes to help you learn how to deal with. Following the three common Hebrew terms translated “fool,” she defines three kinds of people who are characteristically foolish. There is the “close-minded fool,” the “spiritually bereft fool,” and the “hardened fool.” Clearly she is trying to define these terms biblically, and I think she does a good job of doing so, because she follows God’s own definitions.

In chapters three and four she then arranges in topical fashion different patterns of thinking (ch. 3) and behavior (ch. 4) of those called fools in the Bible. From Scripture she shows that a typical “fool” will display certain patterns of selfishness, stubbornness, deception, apathy, anger and destructive behavior. I think this information is well-arranged and quite helpful. I am not sure I agree with her unqualified statement that, “Every fool thinks the same way when it comes to some basics” (p. 49, emphasis mine). Many, and perhaps most, will display these patterns, but an unqualified “every” is overstating the case. When we overstate things it can easily cause others to wrongly start looking for these patterns of sinful thought and behavior. We may begin to think, “if they are a fool, they must be doing this,” and we won’t stop looking until we find it. We may even think an isolated incident is indicative of a bigger pattern. Overall the information is good, although I caution the reader to not allow this overstatement to justify a judgmental spirit (see my comments on sinfully categorizing people under the “weaknesses” below).

Again, however, I think that overall these categories and descriptions (chapters three and four) are helpful and biblically informed.

Now here are some weaknesses that prevent me from recommending the book.

1. The motivations for changing how one understands and responds to “fools” are often self-centered or more defined by psychological terms than biblical ones.

In my opinion, there is an emphasis in the book on how living with and responding to the fool in your life makes you feel. This emphasis on changing the feelings of being used, guilty, manipulated, inadequte, controlled, dominated, or appeasing becomes the dominant motivation for learning to respond differently to these kinds of people in your life. This motivation is not necessarily wrong, but could easily be (or become) one’s ultimate goal. The ultimate goal should be the glory of God, whether that comes through helping others grow, or through responding to them in a way that is biblically wise and God-honoring. Our feelings must be secondary to that goal and motivation. I don’t think this proper biblical emphasis is stated clearly (although the author might agree with what I just said). Instead it is overshadowed by the author’s excellent understanding of relational dynamics, and her ability to communicate the feelings produced through them. This ability to communicate about these things endears the book to the reader because it makes them feel like she “understands what you’ve been going through.” Unfortunately, it also causes the reader to focus too much on what they are feeling and why, rather than on what God would have them think and do.

Many times throughout the book the motivation for change is stated in very self-centered terms. Here are some examples.

…your entaglement with the difficult person in your life is costing you too much (p. 37)…no longer is your fool in charge (p. 126)…As you begin to focus on yourself (p. 131)…Dealing with a fool can and will consume all of your time and all of your effort if you let it (p. 143)…you will realize that your joy and well-being are affected by the behavior of your fool and that the focus of your life is altered (p. 143)…you will be able to become a person of freedom and honesty as you move along your path toward wholeness (p. 198).

Admittedly, there are times when the proper biblical priority and motivation is stated in no uncertain terms. For instance, she states:

You must remember that your hope is in God and his plan for you and your fool. since your hope is not in changing your fool through manipulation or even Christian kindness, you must take your focus off your fool and turn it on yourself (p. 144).

And in this particular instance, the focus on yourself involves an admonition to recognize and deal with the many attitudinal sins and selfish responses that often result from dealing with difficult people–things like anger, fear, etc. This is good, but that truth is overshadowed by an improper encouragement to focus on self that is defined more by modern pop psychology than biblical truth. Here are some examples of psychological terms and concepts that muddy the pure waters of biblical truth and God-centered motivations:

…be a more effective person (p. 76)…assign the proper roles to the people in our lives (p. 94)…you do not have to give him ownership of your feelings and behavior (p. 126)…He is a human being with potential locked up somewhere in his self-possessed bubble (p. 144)…He had become angry and manipulative and seemed unable to “find himself” anywhere (p. 144)…It takes real wisdom to become whole, functional people (p. 154)…You will be more at ease with yourself and more comfortable in your position with God (p. 154)…[the goal is] making you into a healthy, fully functioning, godly person (p. 165)…you are making a positive step toward freeing yourself from the complications and chaos that bind you (p. 189).

It would be unfair to not recognize that many of these phrases are being used in a “conversational way” and not as a technical “pyschological” description of problems and solutions. However, encouraging goals like “being a more effective person,” “becoming whole, functional people,” “being more at ease with yourself,” and becoming “a healthy, fully functioning” person, deceptively steers Christians away from being biblically minded, and therefore steers them away from being biblically wise–the very goal she proposes to help them with in the beginning. Her own choice of language and the instruction she gives works against her stated goal of helping Christian develop biblical wisdom.

2. The author’s categories of common and potentially sinful responses to “fools” lacked biblical support.

Chapter six details seven common responses people have toward fools in their life (pampering, pouting, passivity, protecting, pleading, pleasing, and prodding). These common responses need to be thought through biblically as it relates to each specific person and situation. I wish she had shown from Scripture why each of these responses were potentially unwise. I think each of these could be shown to be wrong from Scripture, at least in certain situations. Unfortunately, there is not a single reference to Scripture in the entire chapter. It is difficult to help others learn how to be wise and have biblical, God-honoring responses, if you do not actually use Scripture.

3. The author’s categories of different kinds of fools may lend itself to sinful juding of others.

Chapter five proposes to define five different kinds of fools. These categories are potentially very helpful descriptions. They do describe people in ways similar to how the Bible describes the fool in Scripture. Again, however, there is not a single reference to Scripture in this chapter to show that the type of sinful thinking and behavior is clearly described by God as “characteristic foolishness.” The danger (certainly unintended by the author) is that the reader would take these descriptions and “pigeonhole” the people in their life in a way that is mercilessly unfair. There is a difference between a “fool” in Scripture and someone who may, at any given point in time (and even repeatedly), exhibit some of these sinful relational patterns. Again, I believe this is another area where the sinful behavior of others in our life needs to be looked at and understood with a honest evaluation of our own weaknesses, sinful responses and unintended contributions to the problems that exist. Her descriptions, while perhaps accurate and marginally helpful, seem to lack a measure of mercy and rather than motivating a godly longsuffering toward others, may in contrast justify a judgmental spirit. It is a subtle oversight, but a potentially dangerous one.

4. Scripture is often used out of context.

In another brief, but insightful review of this book, it was pointed out that there were verses taken out of context or misinterpreted (Jere. 29:11-14 on pages 19, 76 and 189; Romans 8:26,27 on page 175; Luke 8:22-25 on page 183; Luke 4:30 on page 184). I noticed most of those as I went through, but had not catalogued them because I find the practice so common in the typical evangelical book. It is important to point it out, however.

5. There is unbiblical counsel given in the book.

I believe this is true in two instances. The first is the author’s counsel to “DETACH” when you are “not sure exactly how to proceed in relating to your fool” (p. 171). This advice is not total abandonment of the relationship, but forging a more impersonal and “matter of fact” way of relating to them. It needs to be understood more clearly what she means by this concept. It is true that we are “not to give what is holy to dogs” (Matthew 7), and that we should not “answer a fool according to his folly” (Proverbs 26:4). However, it is unclear if this counsel is an attempt to understand and apply such principles. This is because, once again, there is no biblical support given for this counsel.

The second matter has to do with unbiblical counsel concerning divorce from 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. The author states that Paul is giving permission for people to divorce their spouse “if you find that you cannot live with your fool” any longer. In her words, “If your spouse’s anger and strife are too much for you to bear and you do not feel you can continue to put up with the situation, you are free to separate from your spouse” (p. 177). This is very unfortunate counsel, that could produce much confusion, sin and harm in the church.

Conclusion

I do think there is much that is helpful in this book and that a discerning reader might be able to develop a more biblical approach and understanding of the many complicated relational dynamics that are communicated so well by the author. The real issue that is overlooked in her basic approach to understanding and responding to fools is “How can God be most glorified and the individual be ministered to and loved with knowledge and discernment (Phi. 1:9) in a God-honoring way?” As Gary E. Gilley states in the review cited above:

The author is far too concerned with what is good for us at the expense of what is good for our “fool” (see page 187). I believe the biblical question would be, are we helping or harming our “fool” by the actions we are taking? It may very well be best for both ourselves and the “fool” to detach, separate, or give up efforts to minister to them. But we must be careful not to jump to that conclusion too soon, and we must recognize that Philippians 2:3, 4 is not rescinded even for fools.

At times responding wisely to a fool may mean leaving them to suffer the consequences of their sin, and in this she may be right. At times it may mean “detaching” in some form in order to avoid repeatedly “rescuing an angry man” (Pro. 19:19). However, her basic assumption that “it is impossible to correct, change, alter,…or reason with a fool” informs her understanding of any biblical counsel and instruction we may have, and that might enable us to be an instrument used by God to transform a fool. In fact, we are told to “answer a fool as his folly deserves, that he not be wise in his own eyes” (Pro. 26:5). If we must always “detach” because it is “impossible” to change a fool, then how can we obey this biblical admonition?

There is a lot of helpful information, but the book lacks a biblically informed emphasis in both the motivation for and approach to dealing with the fool.