Marital Separation: Is It Ever Biblical?
Here is a difficult topic that I have found a hard time finding good information on. I wrote this as part of a graduate degree in counseling, and it was published in The Journal of Modern Ministry (www.JofMM.com) last year (Fall 2006 issue).
What does the Bible say about marital separation? Is this an acceptable option for the Christian? Given the frequency and dangers of domestic violence and marital infidelity, should it be allowable in some circumstances? What if the separation is only temporary, or for a “cooling off” period? These and other questions demand that Christians, and particularly biblical counselors, be equipped to answer from Scripture the many questions that will arise concerning marital separation. While there is no specific passage of Scripture that will answer all of the intricacies and complexities of every specific separation, a survey of the Bible and the application of biblical principles certainly enables Christians to know what is acceptable in God’s sight.
We will evaluate the biblical data and seek to establish that God’s Word does not allow a believer to initiate long-term marital separation as a response to marital disharmony or conflict. We will proceed to present a balanced understanding of this issue by discussing marital separation under the following four headings.
First, we will show that it is not separation itself that God condemns, as a number of practical circumstances either allow or demand separation. Second, we will briefly discuss the biblical terms that might be used to refer to marital separation, and assert that the Bible is does not speak specifically to the topic. Third, we will consider broader biblical principles that establish practical reasons for forbidding marital separation. Last, we will consider a few of the common objections and circumstances that are often used to justify marital separation. We will analyze those objections and circumstances, offering either biblical rebuttals or biblical alternatives to marital separation.
[Footnote: Throughout we are discussing marital separation only in the sense of married couples separating from living together responsibly, willingly and purposefully because of an undesirable circumstance in the marriage itself. This is the common vernacular and the typical usage of the term in Protestant circles. We are not using the term in the sense that it has traditionally been defined by the Roman Catholic Church, which is separated due to the presence of adultery in the marriage, but not divorced.]
Being Separated for Reasons other than Martial Conflict
While marital separation is not the ideal, there are at least two particular situations where God allows it, and numerous other occasions where it is unavoidable.
First, God allows (encourages?) separation from conjugal responsibilities for the purpose of prayer (I Corinthians 7:3-5). While this exception does not demand separation in one’s living arrangements, this would be allowable for the purpose of seeking a place of solitude for prayer. A broader application of this principle might be travel required for the purpose of ministering God’s Word, or for short-term training and education. Still, no one should pursue these opportunities without mutual consent from their spouse, and even then it is only for an agreed upon period of time.
A second circumstance that allows for separation would be military duty. In the Old Testament soldiers in Israel were expected to leave their families behind in order to fulfill their military duties (see Joshua 1:10-18 for one example). Even this expectation, however, was tempered by the responsibility of a new husband to take a year off from military duty when first married in order to fulfill his responsibility to make his wife happy (Deuteronomy 24:5; cf. 20:7).
In addition to these noble causes of separation, there are numerous other circumstances that might necessitate a separation that is not desirable. For instance, one partner in the marriage may commit crimes and be required to serve a prison sentence. Perhaps illness and the complexities of medical care make it necessary to be separated. Examples could be multiplied. In such cases, Christians will be given the grace to endure with patience those circumstances that arise as part of God’s sovereign decree. These are mentioned only to point out that it is not separation itself that is sinful. We must be careful, balanced and gracious in how we communicate what God desires and requires.
Most marital separations that are entered into by choice entail a complicated combination of both circumstances and heart motivations. Christians must remember that it is not the condition of being separated that should be focused on (i.e., the outward appearance), but the thoughts and motivations of the hearts of those seeking separation.
Biblical Passages and Principles Forbidding Marital Separation
There is various biblical data that inform our understanding that marital separation is forbidden by God.
The Lexical Data and Paul’s Discussion in 1 Corinthians 7
There are three basic terms used to refer to any form of breaking the marriage covenant. None of these terms can be said to refer strictly to separation in any particular context. “We have these three terms (apoluo, choridzo, aphiemi), which are basic terms for divorce. All of those verbs, as used in the contexts of Matthew 5, Matthew 19, and 1 Corinthians 7, indicate that neither desertion, separation, nor broken engagements is the issue, but the divorce of a marriage that began at betrothal” (John F. MacArthur, The Family, p. 123) In fact, Scripture never speaks to the subject of separation after marriage without divorce being in view.
Adams discusses the import of this concept as it relates to the second term above (choridzo). “In the Bible, the modern idea of separation as something less than divorce (whether legal or otherwise) was totally unknown as a viable alternative to divorce. Wherever the word separation (choridzo) appears in the NT in connection with divorce, therefore, it always refers to separation by divorce [emphasis his]” (Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible, p. 33). He points out that Moulton and Milligan refer to choridzo as a technical term for divorce, and that it appears regularly in extent written bills of divorce.
John Murray, in his classic work on divorce, discusses in detail the lexical and contextual data related to the term aphiemi as it appears in the passage most difficult to reconcile with the no-separation position (I Corinthians 7:10, 11). After discussing the lexical range of the term, and its uses, he concludes:
There is little evidence in the usage of the New Testament for the rendering “send away.” There is no instance where this import is required…aphiemi has been rendered by the word “leave” in the translation given for discussion. It is fully recognized, of course, that the rendering “send away” is possible and the legitimacy of such a rendering cannot be conclusively denied…Yet it cannot be established that this is the force of the word in the Scripture passage concerned (John Murray, Divorce, p. 60).
Many have understood Paul’s comments in I Corinthians 7 to allow for separation in some cases. Scripture says there that, “the wife should not leave (choridzo) her husband (but if she does leave, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and…the husband should not send his wife away (aphiemi)” (I Corinthians 7:10b-11). Paul states that the end result of the “leaving” in verse 10 is that the woman is unmarried. The parallel with the action of the man sending his wife away suggests the same. Paul did not have separation in view, but some form of legal divorce resulting in an unmarried state.
The lexical data, along with the context of Paul’s instructions confirm at the very least that separation, as it is understood and practiced today, is not suggested or implied.
The Bible is not Specific on Marital Separation
When we say the Bible is not specific on the subject of marital separation we are simply saying that there is no clear passage of Scripture that discusses the topic of leaving one’s spouse without initiating formal divorce proceedings. In other words, whenever marital separation is discussed, it is always in the context of divorce. This point has been mentioned previously, but it carries great weight as an argument against separation as a viable alternative for the Christian. As Adams points out in his usually clear fashion, “There’s no such thing as a legitimate separation in the Bible–legal or otherwise…The Bible doesn’t know anything about that” (Jay Adams, “Biblical Interpretation and Counseling, Part 2,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling, vol. 17, no 1 [1998], p. 27).
Christians would do well to avoid importing the concept into passages and contexts where it does not belong, and counselors must be particularly careful to avoid giving unbiblical advice. If God does not authorize and approve a practice that clearly precludes the fulfilling of one’s biblical responsibilities, then neither should we. It is to these broader biblical responsibilities that we now turn our attention.
Broader Biblical Principles that Argue Against Separation
There are a number of broader biblical principles that inform our understanding of why it is not proper for Christians to separate.
Separation Violates the Marriage Covenant
In a Christian marriage at least, vows have been taken to love “for better or for worse.” These are not to be loosely made promises fulfilled only when your expectations are met. These are sacred vows made before a holy God. “If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or takes an oath to bind himself with a binding obligation, he shall not violate his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth” (Deuteronomy 30:2). One would be hard-pressed to show how a purposeful separation could enable them to consistently fulfill their vows to love, honor and cherish, for better or for worse. A proper understanding and application of marriage vows would preclude separation.
Separation Hinders Reconciliation
Christians are commanded to pursue reconciliation with others when sinned against, or when they are aware of having sinned against others (Matthew 5:23, 24; 18:15ff; Luke 17:3-4). They are to be characterized by having compassion, kindness and patience in order to bear with others and forgive others against whom they might have complaint (Colossians 3:12, 13). Separation works against the pursuit of these virtues and objectives. Separation is contrary to the general attitude and direction that a Christian should be pursuing. One must pursue these goals even in the trying circumstances of being married to a spouse who is disobedient to the Word (I Peter 3:1-7). The granting of forgiveness, which is commanded of Christians, is a promise to not hold sins against another. Separation is often a tacit declaration that one is presently holding some sin against another and will not forgive (this is not necessarily the case, however). In order for two people to learn to live in harmony with one another, it is best to actually be living together. Adams says,
The first thing a Christian counselor must do, when dealing with separated persons, is to bring them back together again…so that he can help them to work on their problems in a context (marriage) where solutions can be reached. Two people, under separate roofs, will find it nearly impossible to solve problems that occur when they are under the same roof. Separation, therefore, only widens gaps and deepens difficulties (Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible, p. 33-34).
In certain heated situations many might advocate separation as a means of “cooling off” the hot tensions that have erupted in marriage. While a very brief time away might be possible and even recommended as a means of restraining anger (see Proverbs 16:32), long-term separation almost always results in couples becoming more comfortable apart than together. This will likely foster an ungodly contentment with avoiding problems and not working through marital difficulties. “Separations do not pave the way for reconciliation; they pave the way for divorce. Quite frankly, those who separate are happier apart. Life is easier. The tensions and conflicts are removed, but the problems with the relationship are not solved. Very often, the mate that separates justifies their actions by insisting that they don’t intend to divorce, but nearly always this is the outcome” (Bob Deffinbaugh, “The Relationship Between Spirituality and Sexuality, available at http://www.bible.org/page.php?page_id=792 ).
Separation Avoids Clear Biblical Responsibilities
In addition to the general fulfillment of the promises contained in the marriage vows themselves, marital separation almost always results in a failure to fulfill another clear marital obligation. “Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5a). The reason for this command is clear. Regular marital relations are a safeguard against sexual sin. When couples separate, they (almost always) neglect this clear biblical injunction, placing their spouse in a position of potential temptation and compromise.
This is only one aspect of the marriage covenant, and should not be over-emphasized at the expense of others. It is mentioned separately here only because the obligation and its rationale are stated so clearly in Scripture.
Separation is Selfishly Motivated
Most separations take place because someone is refusing to deal fully with personal conflicts. Again, we are discussing separation as a response to undesirable circumstances in the marriage. These matters are always complex. Counselors should be careful to gather data thoroughly, exercise caution when drawing conclusions and show compassion and concern toward anyone who may be suffering unjustly. However, one must remember that the Scriptures often enjoin endurance, patience, the fulfilling of duties, and trust in God as the solution to trying circumstances. Peter’s counsel to wives whose husbands are disobedient to the Word is a perfect example (I Peter 3:1-6).
Cases that involve domestic violence are often the most difficult to consider and sort through (we will deal briefly with some of the questions that arise in these cases). However, even in cases involving violence one can be selfishly motivated to separate. For instance, a woman might separate because she refuses to call law enforcement authorities due to a fear of man and a sinful pursuit of self-protection (believing in her confusion that calling the police may eventually place her at higher risk than not calling them). When being physically abused (i.e., when a crime of battery is being committed against her), she must avail herself of her God-given means of protection-the civil government (Romans 13:1-4).
Objections and Responses
Objections and circumstances abound which cause many to question the validity of the conclusion that marital separation is unbiblical. We will look at the two most common ones and very briefly consider how counselors should respond.
It is Only a Temporary Separation
Many will separate and insist that the separation is temporary, and for a very specific purpose. Perhaps it is called a “cooling off” period, a time to “get my head on straight,” a “wake up call” for my spouse, proof that “I’m serious” about leaving, or any number of other explanations. In each case, the motivations must be uncovered through careful questioning and addressed biblically. For instance, sending a “wake up call” to one’s spouse that you are “serious about leaving” is a selfish, threatening and unloving response to conflict. It is wrong to threaten and manipulate others.
Irrespective of the sinful motivations involved, separating from one’s spouse makes it virtually impossible to work on matters of communication and the re-building of the relationship in a realistic context. As mentioned earlier, “Two people, under separate roofs, will find it nearly impossible to solve problems that occur when they are under the same roof” (Adams, Marriage, p. 33-34). To some degree marital separation always involves avoiding the one person with whom God requires the Christian to be building a one-flesh relationship with and with whom the person has made a vow of commitment and love.
Domestic Violence Demands Separation
Another objection often raised to justify separation is that domestic violence demands that such action be taken. Domestic violence (as well as marital infidelity) complicates greatly the questions concerning marital separation. What is one to do if he feels her physical safety is in jeopardy? While the general principle holds true that long-term marital separation (i.e., the innocent party leaving the home) is not biblically acceptable, a short-term departure for purposes of safety would not violate biblical principles. Each person also has a responsibility before God to avoid harm if possible and cry out for help if being oppressed. We are to use wisdom and discretion to avoid harm from those who do evil (Proverbs 2:11-14) in ways consistent with our other biblical responsibilities (cf. 1 Peter 3:1-6). When we are attacked we must cry out for help (Deuteronomy 22:23-27) and are partially culpable for the crime if we do not. God has established appropriate and sufficient means to deal with those who perpetrate evil (Romans 13:1-4; Matthew 18:15-20). Christians should obey these principles, seek godly counsel, and exercise wisdom in making decisions related to these matters.
While each situation will have its own unique circumstances and complexities, we believe short-term separation for the purpose of protection falls within the biblical parameters for responding to violence.
Very brief separations (a couple of hours, an overnight at a friend’s house)–where one doesn’t pack his/her bags and has no intention of leaving-may at times (when one is violent, confused, etc.) be desirable. But in such a case the brief separation is to avoid situations that destroy problem-solving and make communication impossible. The design (in contrast to extended separation, no matter what is said to the contrary) is to make it possible to face and solve problems God’s way–not to avoid them [emphasis his] (Adams, Marriage, p. 34).
Helping someone who is being abused respond in such a way is an imitation of our Lord, who hears the cries of the humble and afflicted (Psalm 10:17, 18). As Adams says in another location, “it would not be wrong for the wife to put one night’s clothing in a bag and head with her children for a neighbor’s house. That is not separation; it is akin to ducking, were he to throw something at her” (Jay Adams, “What is She to Do?” The Journal of Pastoral Practice, vol. X, no. 2 [1990] p. 41).
It has been argued that domestic abuse (and other situations like drug use, alcoholism, financial irresponsibility, etc.) is equal to “leaving” one’s spouse, as it is a wholesale abandonment of the marriage vows. For instance, VanGaalen argues, “In all of these cases the offender makes known by chronic self-indulgent behavior that he or she has no intention of fulfilling the vows of marriage. I regard these actions in the same light as adultery, such behavior under the Old Testament economy resulting in death, imprisonment, or removal from the community” (Doug Van Gaalen, “A Reader’s Response,” The Journal of Pastoral Practice, vol. X, no. 3 [1991], p. 3).
However, we cannot create categories or exceptions to God’s standards of marriage. It is His institution, to be regulated by His standards, and man has no liberty to make an exception where God has not. Counselors must be compassionate and caring, but still maintain the biblical position. While certainly difficult, such situations call for the response that God has enjoined. Namely, she must pursue the chaste and respectful behavior of a godly wife with the hidden and imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit in the face of persecution (1 Peter 3:1-4). “In all ‘high risk’ situations it is difficult to recommend endurance, the maintenance of duties, and trust as the solution. Yet, throughout the ages believers have borne up under persecutions and trials of a physical nature, even involving death, for Christ’s sake” (Adams, “What is She to Do?” p. 43).
Conclusion
We conclude that God’s Word does not allow a believer to initiate long-term marital separation as a response to marital disharmony or conflict. Certain situations may necessitate a short-term separation for purposes of physical protection. In such cases, God has provided church discipline (for believers) and the civil authorities for protection, and these means must be utilized. In every case, believers must do all that they can to seek peace and reconciliation (Hebrews 12:14; Romans 12:18), which necessarily precludes purposely avoiding those with whom they must reconcile. Difficult situations may call for humble obedience and long-suffering under very trying circumstances. However, believer’s have the sure hope and promise that God’s grace will be sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and the temptations will not be too much to bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).
thanks for this. I don’t think I recall knowing about this Journal until today.
November 30th, 2007 | #
Hi,
Just came across your paper while doing some research online. Wanted to let you know that it was very helpful pertaining to a pastoral counseling situation i am involved in….
blessings
Jason Hardage
February 27th, 2008 | #
very helpful and biblical
March 27th, 2008 | #
good biblical info/advice for the benefit of believers in christ, and for those who have an ear to hear. thanx.
March 27th, 2008 | #
If you consult Dr. Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough” I think you will see a different viewpoint.
July 24th, 2008 | #
A good concise read. It managed to expose the selfishness of my own heart in wanting to separate because of the seemingly insurmountable marital problems. What to do though when Narcissistic behavior, prescription drug abuse, financial irresponsibility and hints of infidelity are a constant undercurrent of the marriage relationship. Won’t such a spouse eventually not only destroy their marriage, the family and their spouse also.
August 18th, 2008 | #
For JC…
It is encouraging that the article helped you think through the issues of your heart in your own marriage. I encourage you to seek help from your pastor (if he gives biblical counsel), or another mature man in your church. It is certainly true that these behaviors can wreak havoc in a home and a marriage relationship. It takes the longsuffering of Christ to handle them. I encourage you to read Jay E. Adams’ booklet, “How to Overcome Evil,” as it helps you think through biblical responses to those who are sinning against you.
Also, in Stuart Scott’s book “The Exemplary Husband,” he gives 10 guidelines for dealing with an unsaved wife’s sin (p. 224-225). I will list them here for your help.
1. Pray for her salvation and for major sin to be restrained for God’s glory and her good, not your own ease (1 Cor 7:14-16).
2. Seek to love her with the love of Christ at all times (Eph 5:25-33)
3. Live a godly life before her that is based on a relationship with Christ. Let your light shine. Let her see your good works (Matt 5:16)
4. Briefly share truth about who God is, who she is, and the way of salvation as often as you have clear opportunity (continue in conversation with her if she desires to hear more (1 Pet 3:15).
5. Try to draw her into your Christian community in any way you can without pushing her.
6. Expect her to sin and have wrong attitudes and motive often (Tit 3:3; Rom 3:10; 3:23).
7. Do not expect her to be humble or understand submission.
8. Fully deal (to the point of requiring change) only with sin that significantly affects her well-being, the well-being of the children, or the survival of the family.
9. If she in involved in major sin, tell her that you love her but her behavior is wrong before God and destructive to her life. She should be able to understand this as an unbeliever. Tell her she must stop, and offer to help her in any way you can.
10. Prayer for her and give her some time. You can then be gracious and repeat steps 9 and 10 a time or two.
I hope that helps some. His chapter on pride and humility I think is must reading for every husband, but particularly for those who would be trying to follow that advice above in an effective, God-honoring manner.
Your servant,
Brian
August 21st, 2008 | #
Hello,
I am actually the iniciator of an undefined period of marital separation & I am sad that we can use such a great resource as God’s Word to generalize problems & scenarios. Only God & I know what I have gone through in my years of marriage & I know that I am filled with the Spirit of the Lord so then why do I feel peace about my decision? I have grown closer to my Lord Jesus Christ in the short time since I left then anytime before while in the “thick” of the marriage. I know my God is a understanding, forgiving, & just God. And with that I am okay. God Bless.
October 12th, 2008 | #
Larissa,
My article is intended to address a very difficult issue from a very general perspective. I would not expect it to provide all the answers for the complicated scenarios of any one particular situation (like yours, perhaps). To put it in perspective, I am engaged in two counseling scenarios presently in which the woman has separated from her husband for an unspecified period of time, and I believe that in both cases they are biblically justified in doing so. But that justification is not based on their past feelings, or how their separation makes them feel today. It involves the details of their particular relationships, and the application of other biblical principles that go beyond the scope of my short article.
I trust that God, through His Word, is helping you confirm that the steps you are taking are right in His sight. What I am compelled to caution you about is assuming that the “peace” you are claiming to feel is a definite sign of God’s approval. There may be various reasons why someone separating in a tough marital situation might experience such a “peace” during a separation. It may simply be the relief of finally being free from daily and constant struggle and conflict.
What is of the utmost importance is not to seek that which makes you feel better, but to seek that which honors the Lord, and is obedient to His Word. In certain situations, I am convinced a separation may be ordained by Him. But we can be sure of that only when we have a clear biblical command or principle that shows that it is the right thing to do in that situation.
I trust that God is teaching you a lot through this trial, as He promises to do (Rom. 8:28). Keep seeking Him through His Word.
Brian
October 14th, 2008 | #
I have been separated for about a year now after 26 years and eight children. I have felt many of the things you have put in to words. My spouse has told me for many years prior and still that she does not know if and or when she will decide what she wants to do. She has been at least consistent, always stating, “I do not know.”
When she moved with our 3 youngest children to another state I supported her, I even moved them. It was the hardest emotional thing I have ever done.
I have tried to see a goal in all of this but I keep coming back to the fact that nothing has been started to help bring us back together. It has been just one long heartache.
I am not sure that I could endure the sentence that she has imposed and demands, wait for her to make a decision 2,3,5 or 10 years, per her own statements. I will not divorce her but I believe that she has done everything but the legal piece already. She should finish what she has already done.
You are so right, it is a choice by BOTH to make it work or fail. Those who do not know that now will learn that the hard way in the future, that I know for sure. For those who have initiated a separation and are happier, finish what you have started so peace my come eventually to all involved.
October 20th, 2008 | #
i left my husband in August 08. My anger toward my husband was turning into a volatile situation and though I was reacting to his actions I was sinning against God. I needed to get out. I am convinced that God said it was ok for me to leave as long as i was willing to reconcile. I was spiritually starved (and by the way my husband is a pastor) and after years of fussing and fighting I wanted us to be better together. I didnt know how to fix us so i did the only other thing i knew to do and that was to take a break, get refocused and then get back in the saddle. I have grown much closer to God and i have been attending a spirit filled church that is on fire for God. I know what I need to do and I now have the tools I need to get the job done in my marriage. I am now waiting on my husband to forgive me for leaving and see if he is willing to reconcile. it is now october 08
October 21st, 2008 | #
I am so very confused. My husband left me. The problem is he drinks daily and since alcohol is here i do also, I have bipolar disorder and should never drink alcohol, I am praying very hard to god to help me with my compulsion to drink, but when he is here with alcohol so available, I cannot resist the temptation. I alsp resent his lack of affection and lack of comfort to me in my times of trouble. Anyone with answeres to help me?
November 3rd, 2008 | #
Praise God! I had been struggling with the thought of leaving my husband for a “time”. I didn’t want to make any rash decisions without some Goldy understanding. Your article has blessed me and brought light to my dark places. Thank you for writing and posting this. Thank You, Lord for leading me here. For I will hide in the shadow of His wings, and He shall be my shield and buckler.
November 11th, 2008 | #
Your post has been a blessing to me. I have been searching for a biblical explanation for the feelings that I have towards my wife. I can’t understand why I am taking my wife’s leaving so hard. Something inside of me keeps telling me that this isn’t right. Everyone including my wife’s family and friends keep telling me to back off and give her time and space. Well, she has been gone since July and it is now December. I am not perfect but try to lead my family according to the scriptures and I just couldn’t see where backing off so long and avoiding working through our marital issues was scripturally correct. After reading your posting I now can gain comfort from the scriptures. The pain won’t go away but at least I have a biblical understanding of the way that things should be; and knowing this, I can continue to focus on the scriptures as a guide for my family.
December 6th, 2008 | #
Thanks for this article. I has laso beentrruggling with teh tought of leaving myhusband and now i am convinced its not the will of God. I will have to deal with my selfishness.
God richly bless you.
February 19th, 2009 | #
Is a one week separation to cool off considered a short enough term. I accepted Christ 8 years after our marriage. My husband is very angry about my decision of faith and we have dealt with generational issues of controlling behavior and verbal abuse for some time now. He has a habit of waiting until we are in the vehicle to travel to unload his anger on me. This last time was particularly bad and in prayer I felt that God said to make him leave for one week. I immediately questioned because I know God hates divorce. God replied, “I said separate from him for one week, not divorce him.” I still am battling with this scripturally. I compromised and decided to sleep in another room while things cool down, but God told me if he remains in the home, then my place is beside him. I am terribly perplexed. I want to be obedient, but not misled by my own heart or worse.
May 11th, 2009 | #
I do not think that having abused women killed in their marriages is really the scriptural model of marriage. Please note the many examples of separation in scripture, from the Moses to the disciples when they followed Jesus. The overarching principle of marriage is to marry and stay true to a Godly spouse as a means of staying true to God, not to be faithful to marriage for its own sake. Ezra ordered the Israelite men to send away their godless wives. Your conclusions seem to be inconsistent with morality. For example, would you counsel two gay men who married to stay together after one converted? Gay marriage is an abomination, and I would encourage a convert to leave his gay marriage and life of sin immediately. Please realize the impact of your conclusions in this article and reconsider them prayerfully. God Bless you for your efforts.
May 23rd, 2009 | #
Tom,
No one is advocating women being abused and killed in their marriage. I’m not sure how you could read this article and conclude that. What I would advocate in the case of abuse is arrest and punishment by the God-ordained authority of the local police, whom we are told “do not bear the sword in vain” (Rom. 13). Abused women actually have a biblical and moral responsibility to call the police when this is happening. I will repeat what I said in the article:
“Each person also has a responsibility before God to avoid harm if possible and cry out for help if being oppressed. We are to use wisdom and discretion to avoid harm from those who do evil (Proverbs 2:11-14) in ways consistent with our other biblical responsibilities (cf. 1 Peter 3:1-6). When we are attacked we must cry out for help (Deuteronomy 22:23-27) and are partially culpable for the crime if we do not. God has established appropriate and sufficient means to deal with those who perpetrate evil (Romans 13:1-4; Matthew 18:15-20).”
Still, you must acknowledge that God’s word teaches that spouses are often called to be faithful and submissive, even when their spouses are “disobedient to the word” (1 Peter 3:1). A husband who is rebellious and disobedient toward God certainly creates a difficult marriage, but the response required by God is submission and humility amidst the difficulty. However, a husband committing crimes of physical abuse against a woman is a different situation. This requires that the woman seek her God-ordained means of protection and justice. I grant that the line between the two is often difficult to discern. That is what I point out in the article excerpt above. A woman may need help discerning how to respond in any particular situation.
Regarding a second question you raise, God ordering Isrealites to send away their pagan, idol-worshipping wives is not meant to be a paradigm for how to handle marital conflict. That passage is “descriptive” of (describing) what God required for a particular situation, not “prescriptive” for (prescribing) what God requires for everyone in every age or situation.
As to the third issue, there is no such thing as “gay marriage” in God’s economy. Whatever the government may allow or define as marriage, homosexual unions of any kind are not marriage in the sight of God, which can ONLY be between a man and a woman (Gen 2:24). Therefore, in repenting of sin and homosexuality in particular, a converted homosexual would turn from the sinful relationship completely. The “legal divorce” in that context (dissolving the union in the government’s eyes) would not be sinful, it would simply be following the government’s prescribed means for declaring void in the world’s eyes, what was never a bonafide marriage in God’s eyes in the first place. For that reason, it wouldn’t violate biblical principles of marriage and separation.
We live in a world where it is getting increasingly difficult to sort through how these principles apply. Thank you for the comments and questions. I hope that helps clarify how I would see some of these principles apply today.
Brian
May 27th, 2009 | #
How can i get help? am going through a marital separation, and i feel sad and scared that we are going to end up in divorce?
July 4th, 2009 | #
Maria, or anyone else needing help,
I would suggest you ask your pastor or fellow church-member for help, assuming you are attending a biblical church, that will give you advice and counsel from the Scripture. If you need biblical help, and cannot find it at your church, you could look on this counseling website for someone in your area (http://www.nanc.org and then click on “find a counselor” on the right bar). I am a member of this association, and am confident their counselors will provide biblical help (and point you to a good church, if you need one).
Brian
July 7th, 2009 | #
:grin:I am new to being a christian but my wife recently told me that she wants a trial seperation. I want to work it out but she just want to be gone. saying that she needs to teach me a lesson. That is funny that this article said that. this helped me a lot. I will still pray and let the lord take over. Thanks again.
July 16th, 2009 | #
As someone who has been the “recipient” of an unplanned and unwanted separation I know far too well the devastation that occurs as a result. There was no biblical or abusive reason for the separation and it has ripped our family apart. We now stand separated for 16 months with no more hope for reconciliation than when my wife of 27 years first left. The pain of abandonment and loneliness is intense. How long do I continue in this situation?
September 1st, 2009 | #
I know the pain of separation and the great destruction it causes on the entire family. More than 16 months ago, my wife of 26 years abruptly moved out. There was no biblical reason, she simply tired of being married to a pastor. The disruption it has caused has been tremendous. We need to do anything and everything possible to preserve and uphold the covenant of marriage. Question: how long do I continue in this state of uncertainty?
September 3rd, 2009 | #
Just another situation to consider: what about when there is child sexual abuse in the family? Someone close to me is separated from her husband by the law because he abused her daughter. He is deeply repentant, but of course there is much counseling and healing to be done here. What do you think God would desire for her to do with her marriage? They are legally required to be separated for 4 years until her daughter becomes an adult, unless she sends her daughter to live elsewhere. I can’t believe that this would be God’s will to give up her own child for her husband, do you? Would’nt a legal separation or divorce be acceptable here?
September 7th, 2009 | #
Married 28 years 7 children. Separated 2 years, now under a domestic abuse order because I dared to attempt to communicate with my wife. The court system is abused, and used as a powerful tool to literally rip a family apart.
I feel my church has sided with my wife there seems to be a complete lack of accountability to marriage vows. Marriage is not easy, raising kids is not easy, it is not supposed to be easy. I am especially troubled by the lack of clear teaching about separation, and your article is very concise and complete.
The church does not have the “political will” to talk frankly to women, and rarely is there any teaching about their responsibilities in marriage. The church is afraid to present God’s model because it is unpopular. The book “Love and Respect” was the first contemporary book I have read that addresses the roles in marriage in a constructive way. I was given the book by my wife to read, and I did, when it was her turn to read her section, she would not read it, nor discuss it with me. Seems that feelings often overrule clear biblical teaching.
September 11th, 2009 | #
In response to the last two entries…
The legal system is ordained by God to punish those who do evil, and to protect those who do good (Rom 13:1-5). Sometimes they do a better job of that than others. As Christians, however, we have an obligation before God to submit to them. It is possible that the legal system can be unjust (it is based on human law, not always divine law), and can even be abused and manipulated for someone’s selfish purposes.
In the case where a clear crime has been committed (as in comment 24), a spouse can abide by the decisions of the court, even if it means separation, and know that an authority ordained by God for their good and protection is requiring it. I do want to repeat though, that all of these types of situations are very complicated and need to be considered on a case by case basis, with all the facts being considered, and with godly counsel from others.
Blessings,
Brian
October 2nd, 2009 | #
Q: So how long does one wait.
Situation: If a believing spouse leaves, files for legal separation, Refuses to reconcile. Will not even seek spiritual help. When the believeing spouse is blinded by satan’s attack on her mind, that creates a false fear. A fear that destroys the marriage unit, the family, the relationship. When fear has such a grip in her mind that she thinks/feels/and say she believes that her husband is out to get her. To harm her, to get back at her. For the last 12 years Satan has had a hay day with us. My spouse of almost 27 years has been in and out of the home (Mostly out). I have asked God for healing and deliverance for her over and over again. Maybe I need to ask for healing and deliverance for myself? Anyway I dearly love my wife and just keep praying that one day God will answer my prayer. No matter what I do, I do not have peace to call it quits. It seem that the Holy Spirit just keeps reminding me that I am to continue to love her, until God sees fit to deliver her, us and out family.
What a sad story, but I know I am not the only one IAW 1 Cor 10:13.
Anyway, I can sure use a spiritual boost.
Thanks for this web sight and the encouragement I received from it.
IN CHRIST
October 16th, 2009 | #
God is responsible for the outcome, but you are responsible for the effort.
October 27th, 2009 | #
I’d like to speak for the Christian wife here. I am definitely a Christian. I don’t THINK my husband is (who can know for sure but Christ?). He has an anger problem. He also has a listening problem: he simply doesn’t respond to words, no matter how heartfelt. The ONLY thing that gets his attention is ACTION. Maybe thats just the way men are wired? I separated from him in 05, but I basically lost my son bc he chose to be with his Dad. So I got back together with him, seriously hoping for the man I wanted him to be (yes, thats a problem). I quickly discovered that indeed nothing had changed…which brings me to the present. My son is almost out of high school and my house is for sale. I DO NOT plan to move in with him again. It is time to say We gave it a long time and I gave it a valiant effort. He doesn’t listen to me thus he doesnt value me. I am through, done, finished. I’ve talked this to death. Weve been to counseling, yada, yada, yada. 24 yrs of marriage. I am finally at peace with the decision from a God perspective. In peace I can serve Him…in my marriage I can only think of our constant battles. Obviously my husband is not the man I thought/hoped he was….if I go by just his actions. His actions say controlling jerk basically. Sad.
October 27th, 2009 | #
Karen,
I certainly have a broken heart as I read of how you have suffered through both the anger of your husband and the disappointment of your marriage. It cannot be easy. Nevertheless, the Bible gives clear instructions to people in your situation.
1 Peter 3:1-2 - In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
1 Corinthians 7:12-13 - But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.
Without knowing exactly what action you might be taking, it seems from your comment above that you are choosing to disobey some clear commands of Scripture. While you may finally be feeling something you call “peace,” it cannot be a peace from God. You should carefully consider if this “peace” is simply the emotional relief of choosing not to continue in the hard work of being married to a difficult man. It will likely not be easy, but you can (and must!) do it for the Lord’s sake.
I know it might sound trite to the ears of someone who has suffered for many years, but obedience to the Lord is always right, and will always result in blessing. And sadly, those who choose otherwise will suffer His chastening, and be disappointed in the end. Is that a promise of earthly happiness? Not necessarily. But it is the only way to bring assurance of eternal life, and the promise of great reward in heaven.
I lovingly admonish you to choose the harder path for the glory of God, and your own good.
Brian
November 3rd, 2009 | #
Hi Brian,
I found your article to be very informative and helpful. My husband and I are currently separated. I sought out an order of protection which was granted in Sept of 09 and is in place until March of 09. I can revoke the court order at any time . My husband is living with his grandfather. Myself and our two daughters are living in our home. My husband and I communicate on a daily basis via the telephone. We have been married for 13yrs. My husband has been verbally and physically abusive towards me and our two daughters over the years. I sought out the order because his anger and bouts were escalating. The straw that broke the camels back was on a Saturday evening in mid September when he verbally and physically threatened our 12yr old daughter for being disobedient. I knew that we couldn’t go on living with domestic violence. I feared that one of us was going to be seiously injured. My husband was brought up in a verbally and physically abusive home. His Father being the perpetrator. My husband and myself are both followers of Christ. We both want to reconcile our marriage. I just don’t know when I should allow him back into our home. After reading your article I have seen where being apart is perhaps not the best for us. I am in the early stages of forgiving him. Our daughter that he threatended has mixed emotions regarding his returning home before the court odered date of March 21, 2009. We are all receiving counseling indepedently. My husband is in a anger management class through our church. He is reading material regarding anger. I am facing a surgery sometime after Jan. This has been a very trying time for all of us. We are all broken in one way or another. I would appreciate your thoughts . Thank You
November 24th, 2009 | #
Thanks..I was always taught as a married couple you work through the issues and seperation/divorce was not an option….I’m currently going through this and my pastor says separation is good…I think he doesn’t understand what he’s saying…..this is the second time I had a pastor instruct me and my wife with incorrect advice…..I do realize it is his opinion and not the word.
He’s not going through what I am and his opinion is not needed, only the word of GOD.
Thanks…I hope this helps my wife to see the truth and not man’s opinion, about her decision to move out.
January 8th, 2010 | #
I appreciate the transparency of hearts. I am thankful for Biblical truths that cut to the heart of seperation. I believed I was justified in seperating- that my husband would wake up from his narcissitic behavior, and desire to have his family living together again. I was very wrong to think this decission would inspire or wake him up. He has further indulged in his selfish life style,- not working, not spending time with our children, playing in a bar band and participating in many other activites that do not represent Christ. He speaks of being a man of integrity and that his walk with the Lord has not changed. I am deeply concerned for his spiritual state and have asked him to reconcile but his response is no! He says our marriage is over and he just wants me to leave him alone. I have poured out my heart to the Lord and asked that his will be done .
January 19th, 2010 | #
Your information and advise in these matters is grossly missing God’s heart and intent in difficult marital situations. When there is emotional/spiritual/physical abuse or continuous sinning by one partner then that spouse needs to be held accountable for their actions. That would entail a separation for the protection of the offended one. The offended party is looked upon by God with pity and mercy and is required to take care of themselves spiritually and emotionally, otherwise the offender, or the one who is disregarding the marital covenant by their continued disregard for respect and honor of the marriage, will continue on in their blindness.
For those of you who have posted on here your heartache in living with an unrepentant spouse — I feel deeply for you and I beseech you to undertake the hard step of separating from the hard hearted spouse. Do it in love and with the idea of reconciliation at the heart of it.
February 9th, 2010 | #
Here is a different angle that hasn’t been presented yet. I am the daughter of an emotionally abusive father who’s mother has opted to stay with him due to no “biblical” reason to divorce and won’t separate. I now have no relationship with either of them. I can’t with my father due to the volitile responses I get from him. I spent 4 hours at Christmas hearing what a horrible daughter I was, etc. I have seen my mother’s decline in her faith and strength of christian spirit due to being with him. Her health is failing due to depression from his abuse but still she won’t leave for reasons such as what your article says. I am choosing to not have contact with her right now because she is not who I thought she was. She has become a liar and deceiver just like my father but in different ways. Him to control and manipulate maliciously, her to keep the peace. The cycle of him saying he will change and then doesn’t and being sucked into that cycle will stop with me. I wouldn’t have a problem with her staying if she would seek couseling for herself, and hopefully my father as well. So I hope all who find this article helpful will also consider the impact it has on children watching the parents they love go through this, and also go further to get spiritual and emotional help for yourself. I hope to have a relationship with my mom again someday, but it won’t ever be what it was.
February 10th, 2010 | #
For Emma and her readers:
I am full of compassion toward you and those that have been manipulated and have suffered from the hateful and unkind words of your father. Doing the right thing is not always easy. But doing the right thing is still right (like staying in a difficult situation, like your mother has). Sadly, you paint a picture of the situation that seems to absolve your mother from the guilt of her own sinful responses in her difficulty. She cannot become a liar and deceiver, nor is your father directly to be blamed for her decisions in that regard (indirectly, perhaps). Your mother can be enabled by God’s limitless grace to be the kind of wife and woman described in 1 Peter 3:1-6, who lives with reverence for God, displaying the hidden qualities of a gentle and quiet spirit, even though she has a husband who is disobedient to the word.
I do not mean to sound trite or uncaring, but the fact that sinful responses in the midst of a difficult marriage has made her life (and yours) more miserable, does not make it ok to give her (or others who may read this article) a blanket permission slip to disobey clear biblical principles. In many ways, it is this very pragmatic approach to living life (doing things to “keep the peace,” or that temporarily produce better “feelings” for her or others) that has complicated your mother’s life even more. There would be little doubt that the guilt she experiences for her deceptions and wrong choices is partially to blame for her depression (it is surely only a part of the explanation, not the entire explanation).
My hope is that people who read this will see that the grace of God is great enough to strengthen people THROUGH difficulty, rather than seeing their difficulty as a reason to turn away from God’s grace.
Brian
February 11th, 2010 | #
Hey Brian, I’m still waiting on a response from you.
Q: So how long does one wait.
February 17th, 2010 | #
I am a christian man married 20 years this year to my wife who recently informed me that she no longer wants to be married to me. I do not want this separation but she is clear that this is what she wants. She wants to wait until our children are of age (18) with our youngest at 13. She said that the passion and love is no longer there and believes that i would be better off with someone else. Therefore, she wants me to wait for 5 years until she divorces me. This same thing happened about 10 years ago when she felt the same feelings and left the marriage for another man. After divorcing me, she had relations with this person until she found out some bad things about him and left him and pursued me back. We eventually got remarried (after thorough counseling) and tried to rebuild on the issues from our last problems. I have been sexually pure to her since our first marriage (20 years this year) but now am having major issues with trust even while awaiting her decision to leave after our children are 18. She wants to hear nothing about the bible’s instruction for this issue saying that God will forgive just like any other sin. Anyone relate to this? Thanks for listening…Mark
March 26th, 2010 | #
My husband and i have been married almost 5 years. We have two young children. he has been extremely verbally abusive to me, and now that my first boy is 4 now, hes starting to do the same thing with him. We have sought counceling, and advise from our pastor. Both have addressed my husbands anger problem, so has a memeber of my family. My little boy says it scares him when his Daddy yells. It is especially scary in a moving vehicle. I believe I have a God given duty as a mother to protect my children. Emothionally this is proving to be unhealthy for me and my children. He refuses to see his problem, and is only getting worse. Waiting until he becomes physically abusive before I get myself and my children away from this person is irresponsible. I do believe that a seperation in order to keep my family mentally and physically safe is in the near future. The idea that I can change him by being a godly wife is only maintaining his behavior. I can seperate from him for our safety and still be a godly wife and wait as long as necessary. It is unglodly for me to allow this sort of treatment to my children.
Let me know what you think, I am up for opinions and truths.
May 10th, 2010 | #
Response for April…
I am weeping with those who weep. That is a very sad situation.
However, unless there is an actual crime being committed (in which case you should let the police and court system deal with your husband), I believe that biblically you need to learn what it means to trust the Lord in a difficult situation. I realize that many might find that uncompassionate, but where does the Bible ever say it is ok to leave your husband because he gets angry?
I would say this though. Seeking “advise from your pastor” is good, but he and your church leaders need to be involved at more than an “advice giving” level. There needs to be admonishment for your unruly husband, and a genuine and regular accountability for his outbursts of anger. This lack of involvement by real shepherds is likely feeding a large part of your hopelessness in the situation. Seek your church leaders and fellow members for this help and accountability for your husband and family.
Brian Sayers
May 12th, 2010 | #
Brian,
I understand what you said in regards to April, BUT what about the 4 yr old who is just a child? Aren’t we directed to protect those who can’t protect themselves? Yes, I understand the comments on getting law enforcement involved, but he can’t be arrested for verbal abuse. How long should she wait on the Lord while in the meantime this precious little boy is scared??? The husband might not ever change. Verbal abuse scars are often worse than physical scars. I am a strong believer, but sometimes I see people use scripture for each side of an argument. Staying in a difficult marriage and trusting the Lord is one thing versus telling someone to stay in any sort of an abusive relationship and to wait on the Lord for their spouse is a different story…actually it is dangerous. Also, the comment about her “learning” to trust the Lord…very harsh…she wasn’t saying it was ok to leave her husband because he gets angry..she said he is a verbally abusive person and he is now doing it to the little child…didn’t Jesus say that if you harm one of these it would be better to be thrown in the sea with a millstone around your neck…I think this would qualify as “harm”.
May 14th, 2010 | #
Lori, when I was young my mom divorced my dad under the premise of him being abusive towards us kids. I’ve got to tell you in my experience I am so much more worse off because of it. Be careful when making decisions for the sake of your children, because even though my dad was going through an angry part of his life did not mean that was how he was going to be for all eternity. I missed being able to kiss him goodnight, to tell him how my day at school was, just to have him around to be my dad. My mothers decision stripped that away from me she stole those experiences from me. Shir my Dad was around I got to see him every other weekend, Yipee (sarcasm). I hold large amounts of anger towards my mom for being so selfish and forcing me to be raised in a single parent household. For I cannot count the nights I cried missing my dad and dealing with all the new “friends” my mom would bring in and out of my life some more abusive than my own father and some I adored only to have them go away. Do not dare suggest her leaving for the sake of the children, for reality is she leaves for herself and just uses the children as an excuse. Boys especially need their father. April, stay with your husband dont leave him, if he is angry help him to get better, like a person who is sick instead of looking for the easy way out. That kind of mentality is why there are so many divorces. No one said marriage was easy, maybe we should change the vows to “I take you through the good times and if they get bad well then I’ll take the kids and leave” that seems more fitting to today. So sad.
May 17th, 2010 | #
My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs . We met in the church and 4 months after being wed he confessed he was addictied to an OTC drug. My world fell apart. In the yrs that followed there was rehab, counseling, etc. but nothing worked. He would do good for awhile only to return to something else. The trust has been completely shattered. He has lied, deceived on a continuous basis and at times I thought he was sincere about changing but never really did. We have been separated twice.
He says he’s a Christian but there is no fruit of it. I pray for him constantly, but the burden has become almost unbearable. Any advice?
May 24th, 2010 | #
How does alcohol and drug abuse induced by some mental illness qualify for separation?
I have been married for 17 yrs now, out of which the past 11 or so have been laden with the above mentioned problems. The country to which I belong, namely Pakistan, has little or no constructive support for dealing with mental health issues. As a result I along with my 3 daughters have been living through living hell for so many yrs now. Yesterday was the day when I threw my husband out. I’m now contemplating separation for good. Unlike the western countries I have nowhere to turn to for medical help or counselling. I feel I cant take it anymore……11 yrs of praying, waiting and hoping! Whilst your article has shed much needed biblical advice and knowledge I am still not willing at this stage to consider having him back. He suffers probably from bi-polar disorder( this is my personal and experiential diagnosis it may be something else) and I am not medically or otherwise equipped to deal with it or him. I might have probably aggravated or added to his illness in the past due to ignorance. I feel lost and helpless I do want to reach out but there seems to be no source around me. So for now I’m sticking out with my decision of wanting and staying out.
June 17th, 2010 | #
:sad:I have a simple question what if it is emotional and mental abuse what if the male spouse has the issue of lust and biblical it state that if you lust you have already committed adultery in your heart isn’t that a good enough reason to separate for a limited amount of time? This alone is destruction of the marriage.
June 21st, 2010 | #
In Him Thank you I just got my answer you make a lot of sense there is no way God want us to continue in spiritual and emotional pain mental abuse or a constant depression. I have peace with my decision
and God has given me the strength I need.
June 21st, 2010 | #
I’m a bit perplexed by your mention of the ’sinful pursuit of self-protection.’ Since when did self-protection become a sin? Note that I’m not focusing this on marriage, but rather the general concept of self-protection being sinful.
There are biblical examples of God telling people to stay in destructive situations, but others where He tells them to leave. God doesn’t direct us to sin, so when He tells people to leave or escape to protect themselves, how can that be sinful?
Perhaps your overriding point was that in a marriage covenant, we are not able to leave for self-protection, but I take exception to your calling it sinful in such a general sense.
Your response is appreciated.
July 17th, 2010 | #
Alana,
I did not say all self-protection was sinful (i.e., I did not call it sinful in a general sense). Here was the quote:
“Even in cases involving violence one can be selfishly motivated to separate. For instance, a woman might separate because she refuses to call law enforcement authorities due to a fear of man and a sinful pursuit of self-protection (believing in her confusion that calling the police may eventually place her at higher risk than not calling them). When being physically abused (i.e., when a crime of battery is being committed against her), she must avail herself of her God-given means of protection-the civil government (Romans 13:1-4).”
My point is that our desire for protection MUST be pursued using the means that God has established; namely, law enforcement officials ordained for just this purpose. This works reasonably well in our society, although not perfectly. I have very often encountered situations where people were unwilling to use those means, and the result is almost always pursuing an unbiblical course of action. Likewise, in every case where women boldly and courageously, and with the help of God’s people, pursued the biblical course of action (law enforcement) the end result has been one that can be reconciled with her biblical responsibilities.
Never have any of these choices been easy on a human level. However, the yoke of Christ is easy, and the burden is light, by His grace.
Brian
July 20th, 2010 | #
Hello Brian,
I am in agreement with much of what you say in your responses. My husband has been living away from our home for two years now. He was asked to leave for a temporary time out to cool-down and learn to deal with conflict in a biblical manner. At first his prolonged absence and distance bullying was a type of ongoing manipulation, used at his whim. He has been disciplined,(excommunicated), by our church after not heeding warnings to return and work at relationship again. He is a professed believer with little or no fruit. He pays most of our bills but often threatens to stop. He rarely sees our two sons that live at home. Our three grown children want little to do with him. He is emotionally not healthy, with bouts of explosive anger and thoughts of suicide. He has created a new life, new friends and remembers past conflicts as if they happened yesterday. He can list my sins in ways that keep it fresh in his mind. I have stopped asking forgiveness. He has slandered and lied to family members and friends. I have suggested that to come back home he would have to be willing to go for counseling. I know that I too must be willing to receive counsel. I am not guiltless in this whole mess and am in need of much grace. I continue in the word and try to be active in my church.
I write this note as a warning. Separation is not what it seems. It doesn’t take away the horrible loneliness and never knowing, what if. The guilt and shame of being part of such brokenness grows. There is a type of shut up limbo, that I can’t explain. It has been twenty eight years this Saturday, since our wedding. I have told my spouse that as long as he says he is a believer, I will not take steps to divorce him. He has told me many times to just do it. I do not know if he has had affairs. I do not think he has contact with believers, or attends church. I am a full time student anticipating going to work full time to start paying family bills.
I beg the Lord for strength daily and trust that His word, His faithfulness and His supply are true. I do wait on the Lord and try to build myself up in the power of His might. I have to remind myself that this is a battle of gigantic proportions. Good and Evil. All the pleasures of this world verses He that is in me. Greater is He that is in me. Waiting is hard, but so is cancer and death. I would not choose to be afflicted with any but I must choose to walk in obedience and live in a way to bring honor to the name of the Lord. When I first read your blog I thought maybe you have counsel resources available but as I started typing and looking back at how far God has brought me I still don’t have a clear question, but a request to others to hold on a little while longer. Our God is faithful. I am grateful for your post.
Vicki
July 26th, 2010 | #
Thank you Vicki for sharing.
What God has shown me here has helped me. Bless you, and all who are in His hand.
~Sarah
August 12th, 2010 | #